Andrés Duque, the writer of Blabbeando, sent me an email with a link to an excellent New York Times article. It is very long, but I highly suggest you all read it. It's about middle school students who come out. It's very well written, and I found it to be an inspiring piece.
If you don't have time to read it, that's OK! I have selected two passages that I think are especially relevant:
“That’s not to say that gay teenagers didn’t still suffer harassment at school or rejection at home, but many seemed less burdened with shame and self-loathing than their older gay peers. What had changed? Not only were there increasingly accurate and positive portrayals of gays and lesbians in popular culture, but most teenagers were by then regular Internet users. Going online broke through the isolation that had been a hallmark of being young and gay, and it allowed gay teenagers to find information to refute what their families or churches sometimes still told them — namely, that they would never find happiness and love.”
This paragraph resonated with me because it reflected my experience. I spent a significant amount of time feeling ashamed and trying to deny myself, but I eventually used the internet to learn to accept myself. I found gay youtubers who were happy and successful, and I found online resources about coming out.
It was at this time that I realized how lonely I was. I noticed that there were a lot of online resources being written by people who were out of the closet, but I wanted to find one by someone who was still in the closet. So, I started this blog to fulfill that purpose. I want this blog to chronicle the coming out experience by someone who is actually going through it. Of course, this was all before I discovered this wonderful community of gay-teen bloggers.
Here is another interesting passage:
“When a 12-year-old boy matter-of-factly tells his parents — or a school counselor — that he likes girls, their reaction tends not to be one of disbelief, dismissal or rejection. “No one says to them: ‘Are you sure? You’re too young to know if you like girls. It’s probably just a phase,’ ” says Eileen Ross, the director of the Outlet Program, a support service for gay youth in Mountain View, Calif. “But that’s what we say too often to gay youth. We deny them their feelings and truth in a way we would never do with a heterosexual young person.””
This is completely true. Whenever a younger person brings up homosexuality, everyone around him/her assumes that it is “just a phase.” In fact, I told myself the same thing when I was younger.
Do you think that it is ever “just a phase”? If someone has homosexual feelings at the young age of 13 or even 11, do you think they will continue to feel that way for the rest of their life?
10 comments:
Jason, I enjoy reading your blog - you seem to be thoughtful, intelligent soul. There has been conflicting research about at what age sexual identity is formed. Activists and pressure groups tend to point to research that supports their position, but the problem is that every kid (and adult) is subjected to a variable called "environment." "Phases" are heavily affected by what is going on around you, either directly affecting you, or something that you observe and internalize. I doubt that your final sexuality (if there is such a thing) can be formed when just about everything you experience is new and different. Sure, it's possible to look back into your past and say "I had a crush on a boy when I was 10 - that's when I knew that I was gay." Another guy might have had a crush on a girl when he was 10, but sometime in his teens, or maybe even his 20's, realized that he likes guys better (or as well.) My point is that human sexuality is fluid. If you subscribe to Kinseyan theory, which I do, human sexuality is highly variable and preferences often change throughout a lifetime. I submit that sexual preference develops based upon experiences and surroundings - in other words, the environment.
A well written article I must say. For myself, growing up without the resources you young'uns have today, it certainly was a lot more difficult. I still knew what I was very early on though.
Keep up your very good work mate, and if you want a more experienced ear, you know where to find me.
Courage and Honour!
Octavius.
"Do you think that it is ever “just a phase”? If someone has homosexual feelings at the young age of 13 or even 11, do you think they will continue to feel that way for the rest of their life?"
Well, I think it is dependant on your personality and inevitably your upbringing. Your personality: meaning how easily you are influenced or whether you are headstrong; the whole Theory X and Theory Y by Douglas McGregor can be related here but with a limitation (i.e. without going into a business).
I read in a newspaper (The Guardian) article awhile back, regarding the amount of female to male ratio in families that affect and influence one's femininity and sexual interests (sexuality). Unfortunately I can't seem to find the article unless someone else would like to give it a try.
Relating to my personal case, I do have more females in my family but I don't see myself as feminine though. I hadn't really given thought about my sexuality until now, despite developing feelings towards the same sex at the age of 14. A part of me is hoping it's still a phase but I believe its 'coded' into us at a young age and will be with us for the rest of our life. I can say it's nothing to be ashamed of, but the advice is never true if you use it for yourself sometimes...
I remember watching a religious programme of a family with a camp homosexual teenager. The parents were desperate to correct him and had the teen hypnotised, in order to 'drone out' the homosexuality in him so that he is in effect 'straight'. This was done while he was asleep! It hadn't worked though, so in the end when he found out what they did, he left home and became a gay p*rnst*r.
What had me thinking was: what makes homosexuals (both females and males) 'camp/butch'? And would it have made things easier if it was obvious, for you to come out in the end?
Sorry if some of the above are off-topic!
Petey
To get aware is a process. May be that someone is able to know with 11 that he is gay.
It took me a long time to know my orientation.
RR
Personally if it were me I wouldn't tell my child it's just a phase but I would talk to them about it and ask them why they feel that they are gay
I mean when I get older I know being gay will be better then it is now but still it wont be easy and I want them to know this.
But in the end Gay/Straight/other as long as they are happy with their sexuality then it's good enough for me
It's homophobia that's just a phase. People will get over it if they find out people in their lives are gay.
People's sexuality can change.
We are innately bisexual. That is changed by later events, or expressions of our biology and our sexuality becomes more focussed. For a few people, their life journey takes them contentedly into a long-term straight relationship after living happily as gay for years.
But for most of us, the journey to arrive at a gay identity is not an easy one. If, after facing all the negative pressures on us we still come to see ourselves as gay, that means we're pretty certain about it.
I think that with the highly sexualized environment we live in today, it is possible for middle schoolers to mistake attractions or experiments for proof that they are gay. I don't recall Freud's theory exactly, but he believed there was a stage where boys are attracted to other boys. Most go on to be more attracted to females.
That said, no doubt gay men can look back on feelings in middle school that signalled the onset of homosexuality (assuming that their previous feelings were not truly sexual). I know in my case I was in the eighth grade when I felt an attraction to a boy unlike any I had ever felt before. At that time sexuality was so little discussed that it was nearly four years before I realized the meaning of those feelings.
What we don't know is what sort of feelings straight guys have before the first time they really fall in love with a girl.
So I think it can be a phase, it can be a misunderstanding of the meaning of feelings, or it can be a true indicator of one's orientation. I think counselors at that stage should be very slow to conclude which it is (counselors who are straight should not tell the child it's just a phase, counselors who are gay should not tell a child that's it for life); they should tell them to be honest with themselves and to give themselves time to see how their feelings develop. They should be supportive without pushing the child.
Jason
thanks so much fo rthat article me like a lot of those kids knew early and it so great that kids are coming out. I know it is hard but the fact is some find the challenge acceptable and over time it will help i believe
so thanks vey much for this article and as fo rgay marriage these kids and their supporters coming out now well how can they be denied
take care and be safe
bob
ive been telling myself its just a phase up until last year, and now that ive admitted it to myself i feel better :] so for me yes i believe that i will have these feelings for the rest of my life
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