You may remember me telling you about my friend Brad and that he is coming out. Well, he has told everyone he can, and is fully ready/planning to come out to the whole school whenever he gets a chance.
Nevertheless, some people still haven't heard. I was having lunch with 2 friends, and one of the friends didn't know that Brad is gay, and when we told her, she said she was happy for him, but she also said she was annoyed that Brad hadn't told her.
I was a bit surprised at this reaction. I later found out that this friend of mine was actually offended that Brad had not told her earlier. Brad ended up telling her that night, but she still was not happy about it.
I think this is a really selfish reaction to have. Coming out is a very difficult thing that is exhausting for the person in question, and I think that it is rude for the people around him to be anything less than 100% supportive.
I think it is selfish for a person's first reaction to be, “why didn't you tell me earlier?” I suppose that on some levels, this is a valid question, but I think it is completely inappropriate for the situation.
I think the problem stems from the fact that the (usually) straight person receiving this news has never had to place his/herself in a similar situation, so they cannot relate. I wish that people would take some time to think about how difficult coming out is. I think this would help people learn to be more supportive of gays and become a more accepting society.
9 comments:
none of us will complain - you told us all first :-) some of your real life friends might be mad at us, though
Jason, your comment that many people feel offended that they weren't told 'earlier' (or whatever) is very typical and all too common. I had it happen to me, by several of my (still) good friends. The problem is they don't realize how difficult it is for a very closeted person to make that step. For me, it was a difficult decision: do I risk losing a great friend (albeit a straight one) by coming out to them? In most cases, the answer was no..... and it took me a lot longer than it should have to do it.
Fortunately, in every case that I've agonized over the decision, the end result has turned out well. I hope that is true for your friend Brad as well.
Denny
I totally want to marry you.
Well perhaps from her perspective (though I'm not taking sides) she feels that because she wasn't told earlier, she wasn't as close, or as trusted, or as important as the people Brad told first. Some people feel a bit taken aback if they feel as if they can't be trusted or whatnot.
Praps when a guy comes out he should be sure to mention, even if a "fib", that he has not done it in order of importance (except in obvious situations), that it is difficult, that he needs the right place and time, he can only do so much on one day, wants to do it personally, etc.
That bit of information should suffice with any good friend. If not, well that's how it goes.
The younger you are the less you have to worry.
Joshua: get with it dude. Did u talk to Brad? Support him, maybe all but come out to him. If you tell him it is not difficult at ALL to understand what he is going throughetc. That might help.
Yay Vermont!
anon
Good suggestion anon. I will definitely consider that.
I agree with that last bit; it really is an annoying reaction. But what can you do?
~Louie
Then again, you could understand where the annoyed friend is coming from. She heard it from other people rather than from Brad himself. Not that you can stop others talking about it though.
I totally agree with Aek there - I believe its to do with trust more than anything. So it's like hearing your partner is cheating on you and you're the last to know :o (not that this is the case!)
Maybe I should have used a better example, but you get the drift? :)
Ya, I get what you are saying, P.T.
Except that cheating is related to intentionally lying to cover up something whereas coming out is slowly telling the truth to be more honest. I think that (straight) people tend to interpret "being told last" as meaning that the gay person does not trust them or value them, but that really isn't true. It usually means that the gay person simply hasn't had the right opportunity to tell the truth.
Nevertheless, I understand what you are saying. I think that is actually how most (straight) people see the situation.
Also, your comment reminded me of the Enrique Iglesias song, "Do You Know?"
"Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed"
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