I FINALLY CAME OUT

I came out to my parents last night at 9:20 PM on 10/15/09.

It was absolutely terrifying...

I hung out downstairs where I could hear their conversation. I spent an hour nervously waiting for the conversation die, and when it showed no signs of letting up, I set a deadline of 9PM for myself. Clearly, I failed in meeting this deadline.

They were talking about colors and railings and flooring for our remodel, and I thought it would be awkward to interrupt. Finally, at 9:20, the conversation paused, and I stood on the landing. I collected myself and took my pulse (120 beats per minute. That's not too high, right?)

I went upstairs and said “Mom, Dad, can we talk about something.”

My dad responded, “You didn't get some girl pregnant did you?”

“No, of course not.” (My inner thoughts were LOVING the irony of this question asked moments before I was about to come out). “I have been meaning to tell you guys this for a while now, [at this point, I saw my mom tense up] and I don't know if this will come as a surprise or not, but you need to know that I'm gay.”

After this, there was a bit of a silence, and I continued on to explain that this is not a phase. I also explained that I am not going to change and that I haven't told anyone (except one friend who lives far away)

My mom then asked if I was sure, and I replied, “Yes.”

My dad pointed out that he knows some gay people, and life is usually difficult for them. However, he did not say this in a way to discourage me from being gay. It was just an observation. I acknowledged that I had spent a lot of time thinking about that, and I decided that I am strong enough to overcome challenges, and plus, challenges are what make us who we are.

My mom then asked how I knew that I was gay. I said it just had to do with who I am attracted to and who I'm not attracted to.

I told her about how Brad told one person, and everyone found out, and I think she took this to mean that I don't want people knowing. She suggested that I tell nobody at school.

She talked about how it isn't necessary for everyone to know right now. I think that she was trying to comfort me, but I'm not sure.

I tried to explain that I want my friends to know, but I didn't really go into that point too much; I can leave that discussion for another day. She said that I should tell my twin before coming out at school, which I totally agree with, so maybe she is receptive to the idea of coming out at school.

I forget what we talked about after this, but I think the conversation just went in circles. I know at some point I told them that I had looked at all the schools I was applying to in order to ensure that they were accepting places. I'm not sure how my parents like this idea, but it's the truth.

Some parting thoughts:

- I was incredibly uncomfortable.
- I was sweating A LOT.
- It felt like the spotlights were on me, and I was being judged. I did not like it.
- My parents were silent for a while as they digested it. They seemed more shocked than I anticipated them being.
- That said, my dad thanked me for talking to them before I left to go to bed.
- Our conversation was cut short because my twin showed up and started looking for food.
- Despite my discomfort, I am glad I finally found the cojones to go through with this. I know that this is the first step in living my life openly, which will make me happier.

Lastly, I apologize for the dreadful writing in this post. I plan on writing a cleaner post later, but I wanted to get all my ideas on paper right now. I recorded the entire conversation with my iPhone, so I will go over it later and re-write this transcript of events.