As some of you know, my English teacher assigned a Social Norm Project. This means that each student has to identify a social norm and then break it. We are then to write an essay about it.
We've had this assignment for the past month, and I haven't really done anything for it, which is a problem because it's due in 1 week.
Now, everyone tries to keep this project a secret from their parents because usually, the parents are a subject in the experiment. Of course, my twin brother decides to bring it up at dinner one night (He's not in my English class, so he doesn't have the assignment).
My twin brother, Eric, tells of how one girl told her parents that she wasn't applying to college. She even deleted her Common Application account and convinced everyone that she wasn't applying. Her parents were furious and very upset. Finally, the daughter relented and told everyone that it was just for the project.
This story is pretty common for the project. Students often do things that horrify their parents and the people around them, but then end by saying it was just for the project, and everything goes back to normal.
After dinner, my dad intercepted me and started asking questions. Eventually, he asked if coming out of the closet was part of the project. For a moment, I saw in his eyes the hope that I would say yes. I could tell he longed for coming out to be “just for the project.” When I responded “no,” I could tell I had crushed his hopes. For a moment, he believed that this was all some sort of sick joke. No, his son was not gay, just daring. But with that little word, I destroyed any chances of that.
I felt awful. I felt like I had failed to meet my father's expectations. Maybe I will go to an Ivy League university, but I'm still gay, and thus, a failure. He so badly wants me to be straight, and I can never fulfill that dream of his.
Throughout this entire coming out process, that moment was the most painful. It looks rather weak and mundane compared to what so many people go through when coming out, but it was still my most difficult moment.
That was the first time I cried during this process. I mean really cried. I think I cried after coming out to my parents, but that was only because I was full of emotions/stressed. This was a real cry. These were the tears of rejection. I feel like my father rejects my sexuality. He does not want to believe it, and cannot believe it.
Yet, it's moments like these that strengthen my resolve to come out. I am coming out for two reasons: I want to be true to myself and act how I want to act, and I also want to show people that being gay is okay. I will show everyone that homosexuals can achieve greatness. I can do anything I want, and being gay won't stop me.
18 comments:
Hear! hear!
The breaking of the social norm does not have to be fake, or does it? So you still could use your coming out. There is nothing better to write about than things that actually affect us.
You're being super strong.
Of course it makes you cry when your father shows you how hard it is for him to accept your being gay. But he's still not rejecting you.
There are particular reasons why I wanted my dad to accept - he couldn't and wouldn't for ages.
It's not at all uncommon for heterosexual fathers (as opposed to bisexual fathers) never to have seriously considered how to help their son or daughter who might turn out to be gay or transvestite or trans-gender, for goodness sake.
I wonder how your or my father would have coped with that?
But you know you're right to persevere and you have the two biggest reasons ever for wanting to be honest about your sexuality.
Believe me, although these may not be the only tears you'll shed, it will be worth it.
You have the whole of the rest of your life to enjoy and nobody should deny you that.
omgsh thats exacly what i fear/expect from my dad.... his compelte disaprovel... and the feeling that he somehow did something wrong as a dad... or that i did not live up to his expectations, and destroyed an aspect of his life (son who grows up, has a wife, etc etc)....
my dad's response is probably the *most* intimidating/worrying part for coming out for me :/
That's so poignant.
*hugs*
You shouldn't worry about comparing your coming out to others b/c ALL coming out is hard to do and their is no such thing as an easy coming out.
It looks like it's still going to take some time for your dad to accept you.
He will but looks like not as fast as you had originally thought.
Be strong and take care
Why is it that sometimes people can be so insensitive? I can understand that your father would hope deep down that your coming out was a social norms project, but to express it to you like that undermines your relationship into the future.
Jason, one thing this blog has shown me is that you have the character and the drive to become someone who will win his pride.
:-/ *Hugs*
Silly brother, blah. But you can't blame your dad for reacting the way he did. It's good that you still have your resolve. It'll just take your dad a bit longer to accept how things are.
I stumbled onto your blog today, and just had to comment because your pain is heartbreaking, and I've been there - but I came out great at the end of it all.
When I came out to my parents (I have 4, including stepparents) I got pretty mixed reactions. One set (Dad/Stepmom) reacted with "well, that's ok, you're still you and that's all that matters"...pretty much any queer-coming-out-kid's dream, right?
Well, the other set (Mom/Stepdad) was brutal. I got hit by Stepdad with the nutty religious stuff (going to hell, sin, "why is god punishing me"), which sucked, but I kind of expected it and it was coming from a place of anger...which, really, is easier to brush off because it's obviously irrational.
My mom, however...well she cried. And cried. And asked me again and again if it was true. She told me that I was going to lose all my friends, never feel welcome at a social gathering with straight couples, I was going to have trouble getting/staying employed, I'd never have a meaningful, long-term relationship, never have kids, the whole thing. It was like I had shattered every little dream she ever had for me, just by saying "I'm gay". She had never known any gay people in a positive sense; the only queers she'd met were either drug addicts or disfunctional in some other way...it was as if she suddenly expected me to become like that, to become someone other than who I WAS, somebody lost and alone and, well, "bad".
I was pretty hurt and felt guilty about her reaction for a while, but then I came to realize that it wasn't really fair. She wasn't really upset for ME, she was upset for HER and what SHE perceived as losses. Obviously I didn't suddenly run out and start ruining my life...I just kept living it the way I always had, as a smart, successful, friendly person who worked hard, had friends and a job and looked forward to a meaningful romantic relationship...
just like you will. You already know this about yourself, don't you? You're still the same old you, and you'll go on to do great things.
Give your dad some time. As much as his words sting now, as time passes and he starts to realize that you haven't changed at all (except maybe for the better), he's going to be ok. He just has to go through the "grieving" process of letting go of the picture of you he had in mind. Pretty much all parents dream of what their kids will be like, what they'll do, etc. and for some of our parents, it's just a little harder for some of them to let that dream go.
My mom came around, and I've been happier as an "out" person than I ever was when I was closeted.
You'll be ok.
Jason, you are a very strong guy.
Your Dad is still processing this. He may never like your sexuilty. This doesn't mean he doesn't approve of you. That he not proud of you . I wouldn't want my son to be gay either. But it not a choice. I wouldn't want him to be gay because of the hard ship and hate that is out there. I am sure your Dad is worried about this, and was hoping it was just the project for these reasons. Man your going to have hardships , no doubt you get threw them. I still amazed at you. Keep your chin up man ..... Just
Thank you so much for all your support and kind words.
The Geek in Question, thank you for your comment. I'm glad you were able to share your story, and it is definitely inspirational. If you can make it through something like that and still be happier than ever before, then I know that anyone can do the same.
And, Mr. Urs, I completely agree with your comment. Moments after this happened, I decided that coming out would be my social norm project. More on this later.
Sorry that happened to you Carwin. I've tried to figure out why intelligent and high minded parents might be disappointed on an objective level, and have concluded that three factors may be involved: The fear that you will be discriminated in life; the fear that you will be drawn into a subculture in which your family is not welcome or estranged; and the thought that they will never see any biological grandchildren by you. All three concerns should be overcome with time except the last, but that doesn't preclude adoption or surrogate birth of a child with your sperm. I think Just is correct that any caring parent will take time sorting this all out, and I don't think your father's reaction is a manifestation of a loss of love. Just remember to tell them how much you love them at any opportune moment.
Glad to share. It just makes me sad when I hear other perfectly nice kids getting shot down by their own parents.
The first few months after I came out to the fam were tough (awkward more than anything, really), but it was smooth sailing after that. My friends (who were all straight) ALL reacted to my coming out with either "duh" or "whatever, no biggie"...and a bunch of them went to Gay Pride with me that summer :-)
I was completely out in university (to friends, teachers, my own students, etc.), I've always been out at all my jobs with no problem whatsoever. I have a great career, two science degrees (and I'm going to get my PhD soon), a beautiful house in the country, three dogs, and a partner who I've been with over 8 years; we got married two years ago. Everything but the freaking white picket fence and the 2.4 kids, lol (but no one's saying that's impossible either :-)) My parents are all totally cool now and they LOVE my partner :-)
Your life is going to be whatever you make it, good or bad. Being gay is just one small part of the journey. It's a part of you for sure, but it doesn't have to DEFINE you, you know?
Very intrigued about your plan with the Social Norm project...
ur brave dude,
but its not all bad every parent reacts differently and you knew from the start that this wasnt going to be easy.
at least you havnt had to deal with any anger or comments from your dad coz i can assure you that it hurts, bad.
remember, your just being yourself, honest and true as opposed to lying to them which would hurt them
*hug*
:)
Thanks again. The Geek in Question, you have an amazing life. I hope I can achieve something like you have. Being gay won't be a hindrance for me. It will either not play a role or help me.
Being gay has put me through stuff that lots of people people do not go through, and it has been an opportunity for growth. In some ways, I am grateful that I am gay. It made me mature and grow and look at life in a new way.
Jason - your dad's reaction may not be because he can't accept your sexuality, but because he's afraid that society won't. Let's be honest here - life is easier if you're straight. Not necessarily better, but easier in some aspects.
As a gay man - I would probably have some disappointment if my daughter were to tell me she's a lesbian. Not because I would be disappointed in her - but because it would make life that much harder for her.
I'm sure your dad wants you to have the happiest life possible - and if he's a reasonable person, he knows that means being honest with yourself and your family/friends.
I applaud you for your courage in coming out to your parents (and now your brother).
I say dont rush to judgment on pops.
He is smart and also has to deal with his conflicted feelings as YOU did not too long ago.
How long did it take u to be ok w/ gay? Grant him 2x the time and all should be fine.
Your dad needs time to mentally switch gears, from how he imagined your future to a whole never thought of before future. He is uncertain where this leaves him in your life. He understood his role in your future before, now? He just doesn't know what he is supposed to be for you. Have you given any thought at all about attending meetings at pflag with him? Have you thought about getting alone time with just your dad, no interruptions allowed, and talk to him about how you still want and need him in your life, and that you will need him more than ever? Because life can be filled with potholes, and having a loving parent(s) can make all the difference in the world!
Your dad is lost, go help him find his way back.
Hugs
biki
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