During Miss Congeniality, my best friend, Katie, told me that a mutual friend had come out to her (let's call him Brad). This was not very shocking to me, as I had been about 95% sure he was gay, but I was a bit shocked that he decided to come out to some friends.
His parents are very conservative, and his mother has been sick for a long time, but apparently, she will be going for treatment that might cure her, so I think Brad is hoping he can finally come out without worrying about her fragile health.
I am very glad that he is deciding to come out, and he has become very inspirational to me. There are no openly gay people at my school because the last one graduated in 2008. This will be pretty cool because it means that when I come out, I won't be the only one. He is also our class President, so that is pretty cool too.
However, I am not all happy about how things turned out. I am a bit distressed that my best friend told me about Brad coming out to her. This means that she is not as trustworthy as I thought. I always planned on telling her next, so this is a bit annoying.
Nevertheless, she is still my best friend, so I will tell her next, but I will have to make clear to her how important this sort of secret is. It saddens me that my fellow high-schoolers treat this sort of information the same way they treat every other secret: they tell everyone.
I really believe that only the gay person in question should be able to tell people that he is gay (unless he is openly gay with everyone).
Sadly, I believe Brad's secret is already out. The first person he told (not Katie. It was someone else) is somewhat trustworthy, but she has a big mouth. Today, I went to work to ask put a shift change in, and one of my coworkers (who graduated from my school this past June) asked me if Brad was coming out. I played dumb, but it really distresses me that someone who doesn't even go to the same school as I already knows.
So, it is fairly clear that by the time school starts, everyone will know. This is a serious problem because I think Brad needs to know that his secret is out. Unfortunately, he doesn't know that I know, so I can't go tell him.
My plan is to tell Katie that she needs to warn Brad that people will find out by the time school starts, and he needs to plan accordingly. What do you guys think of this plan?
15 comments:
I think your plan is very good. It's remotely possible that Brad told her it was okay to tell others. If so, there will be no need for her to say much. If not, she should be the one to tell him that she let it slip and word is getting around.
The question is, what if she won't tell him? Do you go and tell him that you've heard that he said he's gay (trying to suggest that it came via the grapevine and avoiding naming your source)? Is it that important? If he has to know that the secret is out, then the fact that you are one of the people who knows isn't that important — it's just part of the bigger picture. And why should he not know that Katie is the one who spilled the beans? If it can be avoided, fine, but you have to decide which is more important.
IOW, your plan is very good, but you also need to be thinking about Plan B.
And in general, I agree with you that private personal matters should only be disclosed by, or with the consent of, the person involved.
Now that you know that Katie can't keep a secret, you don't come out to her until you're ready for everybody to know.
I think that naturgestz nailed it. Your plan is good.
I also think he's surely aware that once you tell a secret it's just a matter of time that it leaks to some other people, sometimes by accident and sometimes out of lack of sensibility. So using Katie as proxy is good, but telling him directly is also a valid B plan. He needs time to assume he's been outed.
Well, I know that Katie only told one person. That's what she said, and I believe her because, frankly, she has nobody else to tell.
I know it wasn't Katie who spilled the beans. She only told me, and this is the sort of secret that I will not tell.
No, the person who spilled the beans was this other girl who I am not friends with. She is a known gossiper, and I am saddened that she managed to live up to her reputation.
Oh. I thought there was only one girl. But you're still in the same situation. You've got a good Plan A. You may need to decide on a Plan B (or else let him find out on his own).
The situation reminds me of the saying, "I can keep a secret. It's the people I share it with who can't."
yep, it's exactly like that.
Tell Katie to tell Brad. And it doesn't make any difference whom you tell about yourself; once you've told someone it won't remain secret for long.
There's an old Mafia saying (in Italian, of course) that translates, "Never give a confidence to a woman." Along the same lines,you should never give a confidence to anyone in high school. Frankly, I would never give a confidence to anyone who isn't required by law to keep it private. If you're not ready for the world to know your business, say nothing.
You may want to tell him yourself to let him know how far his coming out has spread and maybe it will give you someone to lean on later.
Your post doesn't really say if he told Katie to keep it a secret? There might be a chance he actually told the gossipy girl on purpose, but probably not. A guy a my old job did that, told the office gossip so he wouldn't have to tell "everybody" himself. But I guess there's a bit of a diffrence between coming out in high school and when you're in your 40's.
If and when you wanna come out is deffo your decion! WWho else tells other stuff, is an idiot! Propz Pilgrinm...Sorry John, if if I countertcross you! :-)
Maybe you should tell him yourself that you've heard rumors saying that he's gay, and that he should be on guard for when school starts. You don't have to say that Katie told you, only that you've heard it being said around by several people (which is true, no?).
It's rough, people not being able to keep secrets. I keep my secrets quite close for that reason. Friends confide in me, but only because I don't "care" about their secrets enough to blab to the world (yeah, that sounds a bit weird). I actually tend to forget most secrets told to me. o_O
I think you need to go to Brad yourself and warn him or tell Katie (like you said) b/c he deserves to know what's going on
As for telling Katie I wouldn't expect her to keep her mouth shut at all (based on what I read)
Oh wait so who is the person he told? Katie or a different girl?
he told both Katie and the different girl. Katie has only told one person, and that's me because I am her closest friend (still a weak justification). The other girl has told at least 1 other blabbermouth, which is all it takes.
yes you are right that is all it takes
I still don't trust either girl really but in the end it's your call
It would be best to talk to Brad yourself. This is a time he will need support from friends, and you being there for him now would be great, especially if you might be coming out at some stage. If your co-worker has heard, the word is out, you could blame him if you had to. I know doing it without coming out now yourself would be difficult, but it might be worth it.
i think you should tell him what you've heard,and tell him that if what people say is true nothing would change between you, it may sound a bit hypocritical since you are gay, but that's what i think...
and if you aren't ready to let the world know, you shouldn't tell anyone, i've always said that if you want a secret to remain secret you should not tell anyone
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