Last night, my best friend, Gregory, came out as bisexual. I have always suspected this, and recent events had conspired to strengthen my certainty of this fact, so I was not caught off guard. As soon as he said he wanted to say something, I knew exactly what he would do. In fact, he used the same phrasing I did when I came out (except he said bisexual instead of gay, duh!). Of course my friends and I were all very supportive. He and I have been friends since Kindergarten, and I'm glad we can finally be honest with each other now that we have both come out.
The only thing is that he is not as certain as I was when I came out. Most people go through a sort of identity crisis and period of increased self awareness in the lead up to self-acceptance. After self-acceptance, people usually move to start coming out. However, Gregory is still struggling with that identity crisis. Bisexuality opens a whole new can of worms for him, and he is having difficulty navigating all of it.
I want to help him, but I don't know what to do or say. I don't want to be perceived as pressuring him towards one label or another. I just want to help him figure out what's going on. He has admitted that he still has some difficulties accepting himself. He is going through that period we all went through, except he has someone there to help him.
The problem is that I don't fully understand bisexuality. I mean, I know what it is and I know what it means, but I don't really understand it. I have never felt attraction towards females, so I cannot really comprehend this. I believe that to really understand, we need to have experienced the other person's situation, and since I have not, I have difficulty relating.
So, I am asking for your help. If your are bisexual, please contact me on msn and we can chat. Also, if you know of any good resources online that will be helpful to him or me, please leave a comment with the URL. If you have any personal experience or advice in this area, please leave a comment. I don't know what to ask or be aware of. I just need help.
18 comments:
Happy to explain it. But I don't use MSN--I do use gmail for chatting. Will that work for you?
Jason we do not need to have experienced the other person's situation to be able to understand and to support a person.
Your period of having had difficulties to accept yourself is your bridge to understand your bisexual friend. Remember what kind of support did you need during your own period?
Did you need that your parents know by experience how it feels to be homosexual? No, you needed that your parents accept you as you are. You needed understanding and a person listening to you.
It is the same with your friend. The relationship between you and your friend has not changed. Listen to him as you did before when he likes to talk to you. Relate to him as you did before. He has not changed he is still the same.
Did you have a look on this address http://biresource.net/ ?
RR
I don't have much experience with the boy side lol, but I know how he feels so I would like to help, contact me on the MSN if you wanna talk, it's still the same, but I'm changing it soon! Cheers!
im 24 years old and i am bisexual as well. being a college ball player and frat boy, ive been thru and done almost everything you can imagine so im full of knowledge and experience. If you or your friend ever want to chat, shoot me an email @ masteredthecloset@gmail.com. id love to help and hear from you. I know exactly what this process is like and its quite different for Bisexuals.
Just be there for him. Let him know that it ok to feel that way. One thing that has always pissed me off being by was ... being told I was just confused and was gay. That I was selfish for wanting both you can't have your cake and eat your icing too. Ha ... kinda always was a cake and icing and ice cream kinda of guy. He got to learn to accept him, that he is alright.. he do this with love and support. So just be there Jason... my msn is on my profile .. or email me .. Lee
I'm bi too, and i know how he feels!
E-mail me, you already have my e-mail...
I think the best you can do is be there for him, and support him.
There's no need to be experienced in something to understand someone's feelings.
Just open your heart to him, that always works.
I can understand what your best friend must be going through. It's more awkward/confusing/frustrating when you don't KNOW. And bisexuality is that gray zone where you're not too sure of yourself. It's not black and white, like heterosexuality or homosexuality. A part of you is always questioning, "Am I really this? Or am I that?"
Show your support, be there for him, if you don't understand, ask him. He may know, he may not, but it might help him reason through things.
http://www.nerve.com/specialissues/bisexuality/
Read the link right above, I read it a while ago and thought it was pretty good. I'd love to chat with you on MSN about this, but you're not online right now. :-/
So come find me online.
Some fantastic advice already posted. A bi man needs just as much support from gay friends as he does from str8 friends. Being one, I know. Girls wanted to 'convert' me, thinking that I was just confused. Gay guys wanted to do the same, to get me away from pussy. I wanted both, since I was equally attracted to a jock type stud (was a wrestler in hs and univ.) as well as getting turned on by cute T and A in tight jeans and sweater. Since I have never felt or acted feminine, the bois who I bedded with were confused - looking for a femmy bottom (I am an aggressive Top) and the girls expected a girlfriend, which I certainly was not either. They sometimes were put off by me enjoying ardent lovemaking.
Ahh well, old memories. Just be supportive, no matter how your bi buddy feels. Be there for him. Like your other posters said, you dont have to be bi to be a friend to a bi guy.
Thanks for all the suggestions. I spent a good deal of time this afternoon researching this issue. Like I said in my post, he is still my best friend. I just feel woefully uneducated on the topic of bisexuality. I'm afraid of saying something insensitive.
I've gotten emails from several of you, and I am working to write replies. Thanks for all the help, everyone.
Sexuality tends to be much more fluid than a lot of people believe. Today, one may be perfectly willing to try something with the gender you don’t normally see yourself with. Tomorrow, you may find that the idea holds little interest for you at all. As Kinsey has theorized, your sexuality may fluctuate from time to time as you move through life.
The only way to truly know someone is bisexual is to experiment with sexual activity with members of both genders. Many do this and discover that they are fully comfortable having a sexual relationship with either gender, and would consider themselves to be bisexual. Others discover that it was not what they had hoped for and come to the decision that they are straight or gay. You will find pressure from both sides to deny your bisexuality and “pick a side.” It is sad that narrow minded people can view sexuality on such a narrow construct, but it does happen. You have to realize that only you can determine who you are or are not attracted to, and then decide whether or not to act upon those feelings. You are in control of your own sexuality, not anyone else.
Being bisexual does not necessarily mean that have an equal preference for both sexes. In fact, as you go through time, you may find that you are more attracted to one sex at one point, and that shifts to the other sex at some point in the future. Most bisexuals will have a marked preference for one sex or the other, however.
You may find yourself in a position where you are “bisexual” because you think it is “cool.” This is the case in many high school girls especially. Some activities, such as kissing other girls are not truly representative of bisexuality, however. If you go to the extent of having a sexual relationship with another female, you are bisexual whether you believe you are or not as I see it. That may change at some point, but it remains a fact at the time. Playing bi to get attention is not really any different than any other attempt to garner attention for the most part, but it may engender harsh feelings from those who truly are bisexual.
Jason,
We can't always experience another person's situation - but that should not prevent us from helping. You've already done great by being a friend, being supportinve, letting him know he can trust you.
So, keep on being there for him, give him your perspective and honest, let him know your own questions and doubts because of your experiences.
None of us really knows everything about anything, and those that say they do are naive or liars. We can all learn from others, and more so, from ourselves each day.
So, again, be a friend, let him talk, and let him be afraid.
C
random find on the Internet (well from an email to me actually) that is serendipitously something you may find interesting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2sIf_sVYuc
Its Dan Savage, a successful gay sex syndicated columnist thoughts on bisexuality.
Other than that, just be there for him like your friends were there for you.
As an older (almost 40) bisexual man who has been in a relationship with a man for the last 8 1/2 years, I think the best thing you can do is be supportive and not try to make him choose. He will fall in love with someone one day (probably several someones over the years) and the plumbing they have is much less important than who they are and the quality of their soul. As long as he knows that he is supported for who he is, he will be fine.
As far as resources go, the book - Bi Any Other Name, is a tremendous collection of essays that show the variety of ways that people are living within the community.
I'm not on the computer consistently enough to use an IM type service, but if you or him are would like to email me, feel free.
Jerre
I find it hard to believe that someone as bright and articulate as you, who has a "friend" come out as bisexual cannot relate to him because you haven't "experienced" attraction to women.
Just because your not attracted to women doesn't mean you cannot relate to this friend as a person, much like your friends related to you when they found out you were gay, or we can sympathize with the African American struggle or the Jewish people's battle, or the Haitian disaster. We don't need to experience the struggles or disasters of others in order to sympathize.
One need not actually live and experience the lives of others, only have the knowledge that they need support and have the desire to supply it.
For a long time, I never knew what it was like to lose a family member, but I was there when my friends parent died. Sometimes you don't know what to say, but just being there, having sympathy, and supporting them is what matters.
When my time came, my friends were there for me too, in my time of need, because they knew that although they couldn't solve my distress, having them there meant I didn't need to be alone.
Be a friend...it's what he needs. He needs to know that despite his choice, your friendship shall continue.
Yeah I'm bi. I find myself attracted to cool (genuine) people. I don't like bitches, dickheads, or fems, so they are immediately eliminated. I also like people who care enough about themselves to keep in shape - more eliminations. And I gravitate towards people who share similar interests, which skews me to more guys than girls - I like machines, sports and humor, not so much gossip, clothes and drama. So in the end, I find that more guys fit my ideal than girls - unfortunately, most chicks get filtered out. I'd say it's a 70/30 m/f split for me now, although in HS and college, it was 100% chicks even though I was attracted to guys as well. As far as helping him, idk. I think that you should reinforce the fact that nothing has changed in your relationship, and that he is not alone by any means. I'd say that most of my male hookups are with guys that I never suspected might be bi (or gay.) Case in point, I was skiing in Switzerland last week, and met some Welsh snowboarder at the apres ski bar. We ended up going to another bar and basically hit it off. Never saw that coming (Incidentally, it can be cheaper skiing in Europe than in the US.)
Yeah, and also, rent the dvd "Summerstorm." It's in German, but subtitled for this market. Anywho, you and your friend might enjoy it. You also might want to pick up "Beautiful Thing" - a classic.
i think most young guys who think they r bi are actually gay - just not ready to go there - I don't know anybody who is genuinely bi-sexual - so I would be supportive but "assume" he is actually gay but maybe not quite ready to be cool with that.
If you haven't met some guy whom you think is "genuinely" bi, that doesn't mean that none exist. I believe sexuality is on a curve and some guys might float back and forth between wanting sex with guys and girls. Some guys exist on more steep ends of the curve and might want to move toward the other end, but don't due to fear or whatever.
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