Last night, my friends and I planned to go hang out at someone's house. We were going to go to Geri's house, but then she texted me saying: “umm...Heads up: Ayappa [her Indian family friend] is here, and he knows you're gay. And he's wildly homophobic. Sorry”
“So I'm guessing that means no hanging out at your house?”
“It's up to you.”
As you might imagine, I decided we should hang out at someone else's house and we all did. When we finally met up, Geri explained that she let slip that I am gay, and Ayappa reacted very negatively. He was very upset. Questions he asked included “Why did Jason choose to be gay?” and “How can Jason be gay? He's so athletic.”
The reaction basically continued downhill from there.
Fortunately, I was not upset by his reaction at all. I did not feel hurt or sad. I just didn't care. He has a right to his opinion, and while I'd like to educate him, there isn't terribly much I can do. Hopefully the realization that normal people can be gay will show him that being gay isn't such a bad thing. Until then, I choose to live and let live.
I'm not going to go over there and shove this all in his face and force him to recant his beliefs. That would be completely counter-productive. You can never force somebody to change their mind, you can only show them the other side of an issue bit by bit.
17 comments:
At some point you will have to deal with people you know who are not comfortable with your sexuality. While it is not your job to educate them, you should not avoid contact with them (or change plans) purely because they may behave badly. Maybe he needs to see that you are the same old Jason he knows. Remember that people can change their minds. I say enlighten him.
What's the difference between educate and enlighten? I suppose educate has slightly different connotations, but the target is the same as are the means.
Let's be realistic: Is it easy to walk into a place that you know is hostile? No. Is it necessary? Not really. Sure, it would be great to go and show him that being gay isn't bad, but my job is not to talk to every homophobe in the world. Merely existing can go a long way to show that homosexuality isn't so bad. Sometimes, talking to a person is beneficial, but other times it is just unneeded and (sometimes) dangerous.
While I agree with anonymous that you can't always avoid the homophobes and the uncomfortable situations, I think it may have been wise to let Ayappa settle down a bit. You don't have to subject yourself to avoidable unpleasantness. Even the fact that Geri chose to go to someone else's house to be with you and the rest of the group says something to him. There may be other occasions when you can be in the same place with him, and maybe even answer question like why you chose (lol) to be gay. (It's amazing how many people don't realize that orientation isn't chosen, even though they didn't choose theirs.) And if there aren't occasions like that, that's okay too.
you speak wisdom. sounds like you've had this talk before ;)
I wonder if anyone has ever asked Ayappa why he chose to be a "wog"?
You should have gone over there and just ignored the guy and been yourself. By not going over there you allowed his homophobia to win out.
Interesting phrasing: "How can Jason be gay? He's so athletic."
Who does Ayappa think he is, anyway? He's a visitor in somebody's home in a foreign country who obviously doesn't care about his hostess' social standing with her friends. What consummate arrogance, and very typical of the Indian who lives in a country with such a "caste" type of social layering. Ayappa has no class, I'm afraid. I'm sorry .
No class. No class at all.
Geri is the problem. She should have asked the homophobe to leave before you and the rest of the group were to arrive.
--dB
Although some people suggest otherwise, I think this delicate situation was handled well by you and your friends. The fact that you understand that "he has a right to his opinion" has made all the difference in how you approached the situation. Good job!
@Steven: Your comment has serious racial undertones and crude generalisations. Criticise the action, not the person.
@Anonymous#3: He is staying there for a few nights. She can't really kick him out of the house.
Keyess, apparently you've never been in India. Study up on how everybody treats everybody else there and then you'll understand why I said what I said. The action came from the person, so it is completely appropriate to criticize the person who made the actions and spoke the words. I don't see where I was being racist or making crude generalizations. Show me where I was wrong. If you dare. Please give it a try. I can well defend myself.
Jason, you handled the situation in the most appropriate way for you. Others mayhave confronted your friend or her guest. Others may have tried to enlighten or educate Ayappa.
Perhaps the fact that you did not attack or object or argue with Ayappa will result in more progress than having done anything else.
He's already questioning in his own mind his definition of gay people. As he sees you as a normal person who happens to also be gay, his preconcieved notions are challenged.
I think that if he brings up things with you, you can chose to address them or not. If he is judgemental, then I suspect engaging in a conversation would be pointless.
If however, he asks how can you be gay because you're athletic, you have an opportunity to let him know athleticism and being gay are not related - they happen to be 2 qualities of a person.
If he asks why you chose to be gay, you can answer with how you feel, how you learned, how you know.
Most important, it is also an opportunity for you to let Geri also learn about who you are as a person, as a man.
You, like Geri and Ayappa, and all your friends are unique individuals. You're background, your family, your culture, your education, and so much more add to the mosaic of who you are. Being gay is part of who you are, but does not define you as a man - much like Ayappa's skin color or height or religious beliefs do not define who Ayappa is.
This situation will be a part of your evolution and journey in life. I think you handled it with grace, courage, respect and caring for your friends, and with honor.
Steven, I must admit, I've never been to India, however, this doesn't make your arguments any more compelling or correct.
1) You've made the assumption that Ayappa is from India where it is entirely plausible and possible that he is an American who so happens to be of an Indian heritage. (On the other hand though, you may be right, in which case I apologise)
2) From the above, a generalisation is made that Ayappa acts very "typical[ly]" of an Indian person; how exactly does a typical Indian act? In fact, how exactly does a typical [insert nationality] act?? (Or if you rather, how exactly does a typical gay act?) Isn't what you're doing, simplifying an entire society and race of 1.2 billion or so to the idea of a caste system? Just because Ayappa's ideologies and beliefs differ from ours doesn't make him akin to a typical Indian. By accusing him of being one, I believe that makes us equally as arrogant.
Look, I'm not trying to start a flame war or anything and maybe I've completely missed the mark on what you're trying to say and I do apologise if that is the case.
You were sensible, Jason. There is no point in confrontation with people like that. So long as you get the message to him vis Geri that you didn't "choose" anything and he should know better.
It ain't easy being green. I think you handled it well.
Btw, Ayappa should read this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gay_athletes
lol ... such an odd comment. I wonder if he's seen Russell Peters latest stand-up about Indian men holding pinky's.
You handled this way better then most people would have! Props!
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