Quick Background: I am a part of a very close-knit group of friends. There are 7 of us in the group, and then we have a handful of other people who are semi-close, but not part of the “core.” We hang out with a large group of people at school, but we hang out mostly with each other in the evenings. Yes, we are a clique, which does not really bother me because I love my friend to death.
The Setting: Economics Class on Friday
What Happened: My friend, Martin, who is not part of “the core” but is a close friend told me that he went home the night before and his mother was in a furious rage. At first, Martin thought somebody in the family had died. However, that was not the case.
No, what really happened was a parent of another (unidentified) student called Martin's mother and told her that I (Jason) am gay. Martin's mother became very upset because, apparently, this other parent described my group of friends as “exclusive” and “gay.” His mother did not want him hanging out with me because it would make him look gay, and she does not want me as an influence upon her son.
I will accept the criticism that my friends and I are exclusive, but I will also point out that we are no more exclusive than any other cliques. Furthermore, we are open to a number of people, Martin included.
However, I was insulted and hurt that my group was described as too gay for him to be allowed to hang out with.
1) I am the only homosexual in my group, so it implies that homosexuality is like a germ: One drop of it and you've infected the whole group. Just like one drop of poison in water infects the entire pitcher.
2) Martin's mother is very concerned that Martin looks too gay because he does musical theater and stuff. Her reaction to discovering that I am gay shows that being gay is unacceptable. Needless to say, I am no longer invited to that home. This will be a problem because my family is always invited for Easter. I wonder if I should tell my mom what happened...
3) This was the first real instance of a strong negative reaction to my coming out, and it hurt. While I laughed at the absurdity of it during Economics, I still went home and cried.
On the bright side, my friend Martin said he wouldn't allow his mother's words to get to him. He does not share her bigoted sentiments, and he argued with her for hours. I am glad that he stood up for me, and I hope that he and I will continue to be good friends. I have a feeling that will continue to be a common thread in my life: My friends and I facing down negative reactions and threats, and I am very grateful for my friends.
18 comments:
I will suggest that his mother suspects that her son is gay, or otherwise fears him to be susceptible to some sort of group indoctrination. Anywho, into musical theater? Very gay.
All joking aside, she is making a mistake that can potentially harm her relationship with her son, and with you and your family. She needs to reassess her thinking. You and your clique have done nothing wrong, and I admire your friend for not allowing his mother's errors affect your friendship.
There are so many reasons for ignorant, petty people to hate you. If it isn't your family money or an Ivy League education, it is your sexual orientation. That's probably they only ammunition they have. Like it or not, homophobia still has currency among generally respectible people, which is why your coming out at school was so courageous. Once you've finished crying, put on your emotional iron pants and face the world, because now is the toughest part: You can't let this woman and her like see you sweat, or know that she's hurt you in the slightest. You've got to express mild regret, and if you see her, kill her with kindness. You'll be surprised how easy it is to outclass people like that. After the summer you probably won't have to see her again.
It's nice that you have a friend like him to stand up for you.
I think you should give your parents a heads up so they wont be caught off guard when the don't get invited to the house.
That's all I'm going to say but I'm sorry that she was so mean to you
I echo the sentiments above.
Do you think Martin might be gay/bi? I mean do you think she has discovered something or is this just complete stereotypical bigotry?
Sorry that happened, but its inevitable. It will be nice when it's not.
Steve
Martin's mother is definitely homophobic, and there probably isn't much you can do about it. Maybe Martin can get through to her that your core group of friends is not all gay: most are straight (because your friends aren't as bigoted as she is — better not say that to her, lol).
I agree that she's probably much more worried about him than she is about you — as others have said, either she thinks that he is gay and fears that being with you will lead others to realize it, or she thinks he may have tendencies which hanging around you will strengthen (as if it were catching).
I also agree that you should give your parents a heads up so they'll be ready to be unwelcome at her place at Easter (or to understand any undercurrent of tension). Again, maybe they can talk some sense to her if the opportunity arises.
It's great that your experiences with coming out have been so positive before this, but there is homophobia in the world, so something like this was bound to happen eventually. I'm sorry this was so hurtful.
*hugs*
Negative reactions to someone's sexuality are never nice. Luckily I have been rather lucky although i am about to tell one of my best friends here in the next couple of days. Hopefully things will go well and I will still be able to hang out with him and his family because they were like a second family to me. Regardless, I can understand the pain of negative reactions and I hope that you are feeling better.
Not sure what to say that hasn't already been said here in some iteration. For what it's worth, I think it might be a good idea to give your parents the heads up on the situation. Maybe it'll pan over, maybe not, you never know.
Thanks for all the comments. I agree with you all that Martin's mother is concerned that Martin looks gay when he hangs out with me. She doesn't care too much about me, but she does care that people will think her son is gay.
However, Martin did tell me that his father is "OK with you(Jason) being gay." Since he did not say that his mother felt the same way, I can only assume that she is NOT OK with it.
I'm more or less over it now because I know that people like her do exist, and I should try and educate them, but beyond that, there isn't much I can do.
All good comments but I have one tiny thing to add:
Even if she doesn't think Martin is gay, she may fear he'll "catch it" from exposure to you, like a cold or the flu.
I read somewhere the other day that a recent poll found that 46% of Americans still think being gay is a choice. When you couple that with the oft-repeated accusation that we actively recruit others into our "perverted lifestyle," people who know little about homosexuality will react like Martin's mom, unfortunately.
How about writing her a letter explaining what being gay really means and debunking the false accusations.
Nobody could do it better than you, "Jason". Perhaps send it home to Martin's mom via Martin, after showing it to Martin first.
Dumb idea?
Please, no letters!
People like Martin's mother need to get their minds in better order. Her son is not gay because he is a friend of yours or because he likes musicals. Whether he may or not be gay is not something she can control and her attitude might even drive him to think he is gay and of course he might be. Mothers, understandably because of their experience in giving birth, think they have more "control" over their kids than they actually have. She is being ignorant and stupid and her husband or her son should try to get that through to her. She "can't help it" but she needs to get rid of those dumb ideas and be helped to do so.
I've been reading your blog because I was interested in how coming out would work out for you. I came out to my parents two years ago and it was horrible. They didn't really say anything to me about it but it was clear that they didn't want me to ever speak of it again. To this day I can't help but feel ashamed of myself, even though I know I can't help being gay. Also sadly I'm quite a few years older than you. I also hate when people whine about how it's so tragic to be gay because really it's just not. At least I have food to eat and safe water to drink..I have a home.I lack the ability to just enjoy my life. That's something I believe you have and that's what I envy you for..not money or clothes or anything like that..I don't care about that kind of stuff.
When you are finally out of that conclave you're in with all of that drama and gossip and ignorance that surrounds you, and in the Yale environment that you like so much, you are going to look back at this time of your life and just shake your head in amazement. You'll be free of it and then the only time you'll cry is when you break up with one of your lovers, which is bound to happen initially. Your horizons will soon be expanded greatly and I suspect that you'll never want to go back to where you came from, except just to visit.
I think you would have expected thorns like these when you first came out. However, it doesn't really change the circumstances does it. I think at the end of the day, there's just so much that you could do and there's just so much that you can be without being someone else. I still very much respect you as the person you are.
I know you are over it and all but i just felt I should comment on this... My best friend, her name was Rachel, thought being gay was a choice and was against it because of her strong "morals" and her faith. After I came out and had a heart to heart conversation with her she realized that being gay is nothing more then who I was and now she knows that being gay is not a choice at all.
So yes people are hurtful but its only because they are just uninformed.
I wish that was the case, John, but it's not. I've had countless discussions on-line with people about choice and 100% of people who said it was a choice told me I was either mistaken or lying, despite my having firsthand knowledge while they merely have prejudice. I've also been told it may not have been a conscious choice, but it was still a choice. Hello? Something can't be a choice if it is not chosen!
>:-(
Luckily, most of these cretins have been older folks and will die in the next few decades. The younger generations are much more accepting, thankfully, and that terrifies the older bigots.
Just started reading your blogs, so don't know how this turned out.
Would be nice, however, if those in that situation had the presence of mind, and strength, to calmly disagree and refuse to ignore their friends, then walk away; let the parent come to terms with it - just one more step in the painful realization that they are not gods.
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