June 12, 2009

So, I just got back from a backpacking trip that my school makes us go on. We have a week-long trip every year until senior year, when we are compelled to go on a 3-week trip. We also have a journal with us while we are on these trips, so it documents our feelings etc.

I wrote a lot about my homosexuality in my journal. Basically, I just explored the idea of stereotypes and the idea of a gay community. I believe that LGBT people are all different and just as diverse as any random group of people, but I also recognize that my dating pool will have to come out of the tiny percentage of people who are gay, so the community is somewhat important.

It will be important for support and relationships. While we all have different backgrounds, we also share the experience of being gay and dealing with it. We all deal with the people around us and the whole coming out experience, and I think this does shape who we are.

So, I still haven’t told Kathleen yet. Sally is still the only person who knows, and I guess it will stay that way for a while. I really want Kathleen to know, but I don’t know how to go about it or when to do it.

I am also thinking about what Sally said. She said I shouldn’t tell anyone at my school unless I am ready for it to come out. I’m not sure this is true if I told Kathleen. She is my best friend and I completely trust her. It is possible that Sally has different kinds of friends than I do, and so she can’t understand what my friends are like.

However, she may have a point. It is true that after telling one person, it will inevitably reach everyone’s ears. It is only a matter of how long does it take for it to reach everyone’s ears. I am committed to telling my parents before I tell everyone else, so I have to be careful about this.

If this gets out at school before I tell my parents, then I am screwed. The unfortunate thing is that most people don’t understand how serious outing someone else is. I really believe it is one of the worst things you can do to another person, but most people don’t understand this because they have never had to live under the fear of it happening.

Since people don’t understand how grave the situation is, I’m afraid they may treat this secret just like they treat other secrets: They will hold it for a time, but after a while, they will mention something and other people will badger it out of them. These other people will hold the secret for a short time, but the same will soon happen to them. Eventually, the news will reach a real blabber mouth’s ears, and then the secret will spring forth into the open, which will be terrifying.