Saturday, June 6, 2009

So, I just got off the phone with Sally. It was my happy birthday call to her, even though her birthday is on June 8. But, I leave for a backpacking trip tomorrow morning, so I had to make the call today. It was a long conversation, and towards the end, I finally came out. I have to admit it was a strange conversation because I was preoccupied with what to say that I wasn’t really listening to what she had to say. I guess I was too busy thinking about something else that I sort of ignored her. Oops.

Time Out: In case you missed it, I CAME OUT for the first time. yayayay.

So, here is how it went:

Tonight is Prom, so she was asking me if I planned to hook up with my date and stuff like that. Basically, I just avoided the questions and laughed them off. She thinks I am this total geek, which I sort of am, so she just laughs with me. So, we got on the topic of Prom tonight, and I just told her the truth:

Sally, there is something I need to tell you that I meant to tell you on Sunday. Basically, that is that I’m gay. I haven’t told anyone else until now. So ya.

And she said she was sorry about harassing me about my date, which I told her I didn’t mind because I just took it as a big joke anyways. Then I informed her that this guy we saw last week was not that hot (she kept going on about how hot he was). Then we talked about coming out strategies and stuff.

Make sure you have time to talk about it with the person. She asked why I hadn’t told my parents yet, and I explained to her that they were the hardest to tell, which she accepted. Then we chatted about Blake and stuff (mutual friend who is also gay). She said I should have told her earlier because then we could rate guys we saw in Santa Monica, which apparently is something she does with Blake.

I was a bit surprised that she said this. Personally, I would love to be able to do that, but I always felt that it would make straight people uncomfortable. I feel like it is too different for straight people to hear a guy rating another guy. Anyways, after she said we can talk about this all we want, I became really really happy. I cannot describe it, but it was just this euphoric feeling of being able to say what I want whenever I want.

Then, she shrieked, “OMG, Toups, we can’t get married!” and I responded, “wait, why?” I guess I just had a momentary brain lapse, and she thought that was very funny. I told her that we could have an open relationship, to which she responded, “Do you think the guys I’m with will be OK with that? Hi, I’m married to a gay guy, but do you wanna have sex?” and I informed her that I think most men would LOVE to be in a relationship like that.

But the big thing was when she described me as the gay guy. I’ve known that I am gay for a while, but I’ve never heard anyone else describe me as that, and it felt really releasing to hear that. It’s so nice to finally have someone who really knows me and I don’t have to put up a façade around her. I really can’t tell you how good this feels. It’s incredible. Wow…

Now, the big question: Do I come out to Kathleen tonight? I feel like I should have a plan. I mean, I want to be open to the situation, but I should decide if I am OK with telling her should the opportunity present itself. I am going to be spending 5 days with her, and I don't want those days to be awkward if she doesn’t accept me (which I doubt will happen). Also, I should take into consideration how she will feel if her Prom date comes out to her… Hmm, on second thought, I don't think I'm going to come out to her tonight.