I suffered from depression from January 2008 to January 2009. I never told anyone about it, except I told a few friends about it in November, and I didn't use the word depression. To this day, I don't think anyone in my life understands how I really felt during that time.
I noticed that one of the things about being in depression was the feeling that I was the only person feeling that way. Of course, this is not true seeing as millions of people suffer from depression every day. Despite this, there was a distinct isolated feeling.
However, instead of combating that isolation and talking about it, I just segregated myself more and hid that part of myself. This was a really stupid thing to do. I guess it was too hard to admit depression. We live in a society that is all about feeling strong and not letting something get us down, so it was really hard to admit defeat.
But, even if I wanted to talk about it, who would have been able to help me? Nobody I knew had ever felt this way before. Of course, there were the people from my program, and in the end, they helped me get through it.
I suppose I am rambling now, so let me get to the point. I started this blog because I want to help people. Mostly, I want to help other people who have been in similar situations as I have. One of those situations was depression. So how did I climb out?
To be completely honest, I don't really know, but I have a theory.
During my Junior year, I finally found a friend group that I knew was for me. We became very close, and I think it was their support that helped me climb out of depression. At the same time, I lost contact with a number of my friends from the program. One would think that this would make me sadder, but it didn't. It actually gave me a sense of release. I only maintained a close friendship with one person.
That one person was Sally, and she had more problems then I did at the time, so I never talked to her about my issues.
I think I also started to become more comfortable with my sexuality at this time. I finally started standing up for myself and trusting in myself. It was a great feeling.
So, what is my advice to someone suffering from depression? My advice is to give it time. Don't try and rush out of depression. Use the time to find yourself and who you really are. You are not the extension of another person, be it a lover or a close friend, you are an individual. Find yourself.
Also, I listened to a lot of depressing music while I was depressed. Most would think that this would make things worse, but it really didn't. It was a great feeling to know that someone else had been where I was and that they had survived. The unfortunate thing was almost all sad songs were about losing a lover, and I could find no songs that really matched my situation.
Fortunately, this didn't stop me. I just told myself that losing all my friends and my true self was just as bad, if not worse, than losing a lover.
For the readers:
Have you ever suffered from depression? If so, how did your feelings relate to mine? Were they similar or different in any ways? What did you do to feel better while you were suffering from depression and how did you eventually climb out?
And here is a quick song that summed up the feeling of nobody understanding me. It's Welcome To My Life by Simple Plan.
10 comments:
I guess, what you went thru, though I never had this kind of depri´s, maybe exept during the immediate aftermath when I learned that my Grandma was killed by a reckless driver. Propz Pilgrim...p.s., how come you hanen´t linked me yet nor have you commented on my blog, as far as I know. But you follow me, thx. :-)
I don't think I've ever been what might be said as "clinically depressed," though I get bouts where I'm just down for an extended period of time. It usually doesn't last more than a few weeks or so.
It's weird though, because I also tend to suddenly snap out of it. Like, one day I'm depressed, and the next day I'm fine and ready to take on the world again.
I can't explain it well.
Sorry for the typo´s, I´m on painkillers and antibiotics.
Oh, hope you feel better soon. Sorry I forgot to add you. It completely slipped my mind.
Yes, I had gone through depression once. Too bad it was in my senior year in high school. As a result, I gained weight like crazy, studied... but it never went to my head. As a result my grades plumetted... It lasted during my entire senior year. I barely secured a seat in engineering. But then, after that I came back to normal life in 3 months and started workgin hard again. So that is my story...
You have to distinguish from the transient situational depression--"the blues"--that normal people experience, and inherent depression, which is genetic in origin. I fall in the latter category, having inherited the trait from my mother's family. In retrospect it afflicted me from at least pre-adolescence, and is now kept in bay with the assistance of modern medicine. There may have been one time in my life when it became so intrusive as to have possibly warranted hospitalization, but in general it manifested itself as a dull meanness of spirit, and an almost physical burden. Garden variety selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors changed all that, though it took time to find one that lasts and had no annoying side effects. It changed my life for sure.
I have decided that the chemical processes of the brain are so complex and subtle that medical science has only scratched the surface in trying to understand them. Why is it that depression feeds on itself, pulling the afflicted into a classic downward spiral that often can be reversed through non-medical cognitive therapy? What is its true kinship to obsessive-compulstive and bi-polar disorders? Why is it that seasonal affective disorder depressions can successfully be treated with light therapy? Why is it that some depressions can be abated with sleep deprivation? All these questions will be answered in time, but for the present it is sufficient to know that there are a lot of remedies out there. The best way I know to discern between situational and chronic depression is the rationality of the inducement. For instance, the heroine of Sophie's Choice would have an objective reason to be depressed and suicidal, having been compelled to choose which of her two children was to die. By contrast, the inherent depressive will obsess over ridiculous things, and may be incapable of realizing the irrationality of his thought processes long enough to know when to seek help.
I suppose some of this could be off base, because I am neither a psychiatrist or a psychopharmacologist. Like many educated depressives, I've read a lot about the problem, and have tried to relate it to life experiences.
What we all should be concerned about is number of young bloggers out there who struggle with depression. As a matter of civic responsibility their readers should be vigilant for signs of suicidal tendencies. Some suicides are quite rational, as where incurable illness has completely destroyed the quality of life. But among the young it is typically the result of a very real and wholly irrational conviction that death will bring good things to everyone concerned. No act of kindness is greater than that of the person who, having encountered someone who is trapped at the bottom of a psychic hole, shines light on him and throws down a rope.
Thank you for your comment, J. It was really enlightening and insightful. I had done a little research about depression, but not as much as you did.
I was wondering, can someone be in clinical depression that was caused by an external event in life? I know most people talk about clinical depression as an in-balance of chemicals in the brain, but I was wondering if an event could induce such an in-balance.
I think the following link from everyday health is very educational when it comes to the topic of depression
http://www.everydayhealth.com/mental-health/mental-health-issues.aspx
Can clinical depression be triggered by an external events? Absolutely! The commonest example is that of the elderly person whose spouse dies, and he or she loses the will to live. I had a friend who was hospitalized twice after breakups, first with a girlfriend and second when his wife left him. Its tough to describe in words how depression feeds on itself. The obsessional preoccupation with negative thoughts only manufactures more of them until they paralyze the thinker.
One of the best descriptions of this syndrome is in the book The Noonday Demon by Andrew Solomon, a pharmaceutical heir (His dad made a forture on the US distribution rights to--get this- the anti-depressive Celexa.) who was crippled for years by depression. You might check it out.
Hey, I just found your blog, and will begin following. It might take me a bit of time to catch up with your earlier stuff, but hang in there, I'm glad to find you.
Cheers
Seth
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