Intervention?

So, today I am going to tell you about a guy in my life.

Don't worry! It's not a love interest. I think there are already far too many blogs out there dedicated to the “omg, does he like me?” question. No, this post will be about my (former) best friend.

First, I want to clarify my use of the term “best friend.” I have many best friends. Best friends are the people who I trust to the greatest degree. Currently, I have 4, and we are a very tight group.

But, in the past, I had more. This is a bit complicated, but I will do my best to explain it clearly.

So, in the fall of 2007, I took a semester abroad in Europe. I was not an exchange student, but in a program with 31 other American students. I was a sophomore in high school, and I was gone for 4 months.

It was easily the best experience of my life, and I count those days as my happiest. The day it ended, December 20, 2007, was the saddest day of my life. That sounds stupid, I know, but it was so hard to say goodbye to 31 close friends knowing we'd never be in the same place again and that I would not see many of my friends for a long time.

Sally, the girl who I came out to about 1 month ago was from this program. She and I are still best friends.

In fact, I have not seen my friends more than once. It has been a year and a half, and I haven't seen my best friends more than once.

So, back to this guy. His name is Adam, and he was my best friend. His dorm room was next to mine, and he hated his roommate, so he hung out with me and my roommate. Sally was also friends with him (And Sally was dating my roommate, so you can begin to see how this little group of ours functioned).

About 1 month after returning home, he came out as gay. He never called me to tell me he was gay. Rather, he just changed it on Facebook. That stung a bit, seeing as he didn't even bother to tell me in person, but I didn't care that much.

As time went on, we fell out of touch a bit. I must admit, it was partly my fault. I went into depression after leaving the program (that's a whole different story), and I sort of climbed into a shell and didn't talk to anyone.

Anyways, during the time I was in depression, he also went into depression. However, I think he slid much deeper than I ever did. He turned to drugs and alcohol to soothe his pain. I don't know exactly what caused his depression because by the time I tried to contact him, he was too far gone to return my calls.

Anyway, that is the short story of how I lost my best friend. I was stupid and didn't do anything to stop him. I know that he lost a lot of his friends at school. I don't know why. It may have been because of his coming out, and I think that is partly true. However, I also think it had to do with the program.

Some people who come back from the program lose friends. I certainly did. What happens is you mature and change so much while away that you come back and find that people at home changed, but usually in a different way. Not a worse way, but not a better way. Just different. (once again, that's another story).

OK, this post is already way too long, and I was planning on breaking it into two posts, but since I didn't post for 2 days, I will continue it here. Feel free to take a break and come back later.

So, he went into depression and turned to drugs and our friendship fell apart. This continued for months and continues until today, but there is a small break in the story.

In the summer of 2008, 7 months after returning from the program, there was a reunion. I think about 15 people were there, and he was there. I found that he was the same Adam that was my best friend. He had not changed a bit, but he certainly had a different philosophy on drugs and alcohol.

Another friend and I talked to him about what was going on, and he did not agree with what we were saying. He refused to believe there was a connection between his behavior, his loss of friends, and his dismal performance in school.

After the reunion, which was easily the highlight of my summer, we all went our separate ways, and once again, Adam and I did not speak. I later found out through a mutual friend that he was being forced to take Saturday classes because he was failing school.

I also heard that he had been known to simply walk out of class to go light up and nobody bothered trying to stop him. Supposedly he had arrived to class high on many occasions.

I listened to these stories, and I am embarrassed to admit that I did nothing. I called him a few times, but never managed to reach him and he never called back.

I feel awful about how things turned out. He was my best friend, and now we don't speak. It's made me really sad. On top of it, he is one of the few gay people I know, and I can't go to him for advice because we don't talk.

At my school, I am a member of this group of students called Peer Mentors. Basically, we meet once a week and talk about issues facing the student body and how to help deal with these issues. The group means well, but I don't really trust them much.

I think very few of them have much personal experience in dealing with real problems. I also think that many of them lack the ability to understand the complicated issues that underlie any situation. I sometimes hear people giving the most idiotic advice, and it is clear that they have never been in any situation remotely similar and therefore don't understand how to react.

So, why am I telling you this? I am telling you about Adam because I want your advice. I don't know what to do, and I need help. Is it too late to try and be his friend again? I want to help him get out of his situation, but I can't call him up and tell him to snap out of it.

This is especially difficult because he lives far away, and he can easily sever contact between us if he so desires. Please leave suggestions/advice in the comments section. You can also email me directly at jasoncarwin1@gmail.com.

Your Friend,
Jason