I have this close group of friends. There are 7 of us in total plus a number of others who hang out with us but aren't always around (they hang out with a number of different groups).
The Group of 7 (G7, let's say) decided that we would not withhold secrets from one another. We wanted the friendship to be more real than anything we had previously experienced, and for a long time, it worked.
We also found that we were very good at keeping secrets within the group, so we each opened up to the entire group because we knew the secrets would be safe.
However, things started to change a few months ago. 2 members of the group started going to small parties and they ended up becoming “hook-up buddies” and/or “friends with benefits.” After a bit of this, they both, individually, opened up to me because they saw me as a non-judgmental friend who they could talk to for advice.
As time went on, the secret of these hook-ups slowly spread throughout the group; however, the original 2 actively worked to keep it from spreading to others, especially one or two members of the group in particular.
Recently, those of us in the know realized that this was unfair, and we convinced the original 2 to tell everyone in the group. We are now in the process of getting all that information out to all the members and breaking down the barriers that were put up during the period of secrecy.
I didn't like it when we had these secrets amongst ourselves. It prevented me from speaking openly, and it was unfair to certain members. I was fortunate in that I was “in the know” the entire time, but I know I would feel terrible if I discovered that my friends kept big secrets from me.
I need advice. What can I do to prevent this from happening? I already have the first step down. Next week I'm going to sit down with the entire G7 and we're gonna discuss this problem and how to solve it.
However, I think the problem lies in the sharing of secrets.
I used to subscribe to the following philosophy: If someone tells me a secret, I am not going to tell anyone else about that secret. The person is free to tell anyone else they want, but since it's not my secret, I have no right to spread it.
That philosophy worked, until the last debacle happened. Essentially, someone told everyone her secret except one person, and that ended up having bad side effects.
But what can I do to solve this? I suppose one option is to encourage the person to share it with the entire group, but what should I do if that person doesn't want to. How can I convey that I do not support the notion of creating artificial barriers within the group?
How can I walk the balance of respecting someone's desire to keep a secret and promoting openness? How can I appear sensitive to both sides at the same time? How can I do this and still maintain my reputation as the impartial viewer?
11 comments:
"Artificial" barriers are a part of life. If you had a top secret government clearance, or were an attorney trusted to keep your client's confidences, or a physician enjoined to do the same thing by your ethics and the HIPAA law, you would get used to keeping your mouth shut, and it becomes part of life. So forget about openness, which is merely a justification to gossip. Once the genie is out of the bottle havoc will ensue, and there is nothing wrong or unnatural about keeping silent.
I think the problem might be with the original policy of not withholding secrets from one another. It's very difficult to be 100% open with people - hard enough with 1 other person, much less 6 others!
Get through the current situation, then re-evaluate the original policy between the 7 of you. Sometimes it's not a bad thing to keep a couple secrets.
My personal philosophy is to forget the secrets my friends tell me. Honestly, I can't remember what secrets they've told me in the last 4 years, because if I don't tell someone else within a couple days, I forget all about it. Weird selective memory at work.
While I can wholeheartedly agree that secrets are no fun I also have to agree with J about this situation. Complete openness is one of those concepts that sounds beautiful but, from bitter experience, I've found that it does lead to chaos and ill feeling.
I agree with others that the policy of G7 of having no secrets from one another is not a good idea. Nobody with the possible exception of a spouse or a parent of a minor has a right to that much openness, and it is unwise for anyone to promise it to someone other than a spouse or parent. After all, there is no telling what may come up in the future.
I think you are on much firmer ground in your personal policy of keeping secrets. After all, that is usually what you have implicitly or explicitly promised when the person told you the secret as a secret.
G7 should drop the no secrets policy, IMO. You don't need it to be friends.
So I like that you have a group that is kind of like a support group rather than just a bunch of friends who hang out and don't like everyone their are with.
About your problem, I recommend talking to her and telling her that she should tell the entire group because putting up barriers is just gonna tear the G7 apart. As well, if she keeps putting up barriers she is going to be losing, not only a group of friends, but also a place where she can be open with people without being judged.
Your group will change inevitably in a few months as each of you embarks on their own college adventure. You can fight to maintain your ethos of openness until then, but once friends become involved with each other, jealousies and personal sensitivities inevitably create tensions.
Make a judgement about the longer term, and what needs to be done to avoid damaging friendships and maintain trust now, to ensure your circle remains strong for decades to come. That may or may not involve secrets.
I had a friend once that asked me to reveal what was my deepest secret (my gayness). I refused to lie to him. He seemed unaffected by the news, but I was so furious with him for destroying the equation that gave the friendship its importance to me (to be treated like a regular guy by another straight guy) that our friendship dissolved into simple disappearance. Take from the story what you will.
I guess the secret policy worked well until you all grew up into adults. What worked for kids will not work for adults. Sorry to say.
I think you recieved some pretty good comments.
I agree that the premise of having any relationship built on not having any secrets is a challenge. Every relationship has secrets - whether its one on one or among a group. And secrets can be healthy for a relationship at times too.
For example, if you have a crush on someone in the group, it may make better sense to keep that secret and work through your feelings than to blurt it out to everyone, and then have your feelings change.
Simillarly, being discreet, and respectful of someone else may mean you keep a secret, or keep someone else's secret.
Being someone a friend can go to to talk honestly about a situation is made all the more meaningful when that person trusts you to maintain confidentiality.
Now, there are always secrets that are unhealthy. And as a friend, you should always try to encourage the other person to deal with what makes it unhealthy.
If its drugs, telling that secret does little to change things, however supporting that person and being there as they get help may show you a better friend.
Hope that helps.
you can't be an impartial viewer, so drop that.
promoting openness means being open. if you don't like what they are doing, then tell them so. if you feel they should be more open, tell them so. don't misrepresent how you feel about it even one iota.
You've got some very good advice, but I want to make one additional comment. Instead of concentrating on no secrets within the G7, there should be a no judgments within the group. Sometimes you need secrets, whether it happens - you need time to process something on your own or when divulging something could hurt someone else. What most people need is to have someone or a group of people to go to and talk about issues and problems with no judgment. That way you always have someone to turn to and discuss things. I've always found that much more useful than someone knowing absolutely everything.
OFF TOPIC ALERT!
More GaGaness:
http://vigilantcitizen.com/?p=2737
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