May 29, 2009

I spent 2 hours last night thinking about my life. Yesterday was the first day that I admitted to myself, on paper, that I am gay. Well, now that I have cleared that up, it is time for me to figure out who to tell, when to do it, and how to do it.

I spent last night thinking about all of this. The first question that came to mind was, “Am I certain that I am gay?” The answer to this question is “yes.” After that, I asked myself if I was ready for people to know. I decided that I was as ready as I will ever be. I can’t imagine how waiting any longer will make things better. The final question was whether or not I wanted this person to know, and if she would judge me. I also considered how she might react. She is my best friend, and I am not the first person to come out to her, so I think she will be pretty accepting. I’m still a bit concerned how this might change her view of me though.

The thing about coming out is that you can never be sure about how the person might react. I’m terrified. I don’t even have much rational reason to why I am so scared. I just have this horrible gut-wrenching feeling that I can’t describe, but I’m sure that every gay guy has felt while considering decisions like this.

This will be the first person I have ever come out to, and I hope it gets easier from here. I’m just so afraid. God, I can’t explain the feeling. I haven’t seen her in almost a year and a half, and she is staying at a hotel about 45 minutes away from me. I'm thinking of going out there and taking her to Santa Monica where we can go shopping because I need a new wardrobe. We are going to dinner afterward, and I think her mom is going to dinner with us, but I don’t know if her mom will be shopping with us.

If her mom is there, then I cant do this, but if she isn’t then I guess I have to say this sometime while we are shopping. I don’t really know what to say and when to do it. I guess I will just tell her I have something important to say, and then just let it out. Should I say, “I think I am gay,” or just “I am gay”? I think the first one leaves more room for change in the future, but it may not have the full effect, and it may require clarification in the future, which I don't want. Oh well, wish me luck!