I have a slight problem with my best friend.
In a nutshell, she takes everything personally. For example, if I ask her to help me clean the dishes, she takes it as a personal affront to her honor and dignity. If I suggest that she do something a certain way, she takes it as an attack to her intelligence.
And those are just the little things. If you actually make fun of her (in a nice, friendly way) she gets very upset. At the same time, she is perfectly willing to make fun of those around her.
In other words, she can dish it but she can't take it. I don't care about her mocking me, but the double standard does bother me. I have no way of evening the playing field.
I am willing to accept a certain degree of this. I know that, sometimes, people get upset when they are given suggestions. Personally, I don't really fathom this sentiment. When I hear a suggestion, I take it as a suggestion and a sign that someone is trying to help me. Even “backseat driving” doesn't bother me.
The problem is that my friend takes everything as an attack. It's just too much. And if I try to address it, she just gets passive-aggressive with me.
How can I address this problem? I know she doesn't mean it intentionally, but that doesn't change the fact that I feel unfairly treated. What can I say to her without causing her to go on the defensive? If I insult her when I try to talk to her, then she won't listen to anything I say. Any suggestions?
12 comments:
If you have spoken to her only about specific instances when they happened, you might try having a conversation when there is no specific event that has just occurred. In other words, not in the heat of battle. Say that you have something to discuss with her, and then tell her that she seems to be kind of defensive and tends to take things as attacks which aren't meant that way. Assure her that you're her friend and when you say things like A, B, or C you aren't bad-mouthing her. And sometimes you like to kid around the same way she does.
At best, she'll take your point and try to be more accepting of normal suggestions and kidding. More likely, she'll react to it as if it were one more attack on her. At that point, if you have the nerve, you could say that when she sees your attempt to be helpful as a personal attack, it indicates that she has a real problem of insecurity and defensiveness and should get help for it: counselling or therapy because it would be a shame for her to go through life thinking she's being attacked when she isn't.
The thing is, it sounds to me as if this isn't something that you can straighten out with a conversation — unless it's just you that she reacts this way to. But you can give it a try. I really think she needs professional help. If so, the best you can hope is that you can help her realize that. But it could just be another argument.
I would lay off the joking insults, though.
If she's a close friend I would call her out on her shit. Tell her its a double standard and if she becomes aggressive is she really worth your time? Friends need to be open to constructive criticism. Its not fair to hold your self to a higher standard than the people around you (her), nobody's perfect and that includes her.
Well, for such a person I dont think it'll be easy to address a problem like this. She probably wont take it at first, so its better to start with something as "if you care about your friends you'll hear me out before you say anything"
then just move on to tell her RESPECTFULLY and with small words how the double standard affects you...
and its not good to plan that far ahead cuz shit happens so just let it flow.
Just lay off the jokes about her for the time being. Sometimes people get too ingrained in their daily dealings that they don't notice how they're actually treating the people around them. Then next year when you two are (presumably) at different schools or at very least seeing less of each other, you'll both grow and learn to respect each other more.
If the problem is extreme, persistant, or destructive I would say that there are some underlying issues that could be helped by a heart to heart (or perhaps a professional councelling
Try acting just like her for a couple of days and see if she says anything to you about it. If she realizes you are acting like a brat then maybe she will be willing to change.
Thanks for the suggestions, everyone. Natur, I really liked what you had to say. On Friday night, my friends and I are gonna have a group chat because there's an elephant in the room and we need to address it. Mostly it's issues of trust, so hopefully we can get everything out there. I'll probably talk to my friend about how I feel at a later date because I don't want to lay too much on her at once. However, I will definitely take into consideration what you have to say.
I know you love these kids, but haven't you contemplated the fact that in September you will be in another world with a whole new group of friends? You should have developed a non-battlefield thousand yard stare. I really liked a lot of friends in high school, and they became sterling adults, but after graduation we were scattered, as the poet Li Po put it, "like stars, or rain." The only time I saw some of them was at an occasional reunion. Less than four months before graduation the last thing I would do is to try and change the life and personality of someone whose character is substantially developed. You run the risk that you will alienate her and destroy what should be a decent memory, quirks and all.
Jason, I think you've answered your own question. Tell her just what you've told us. Be nice and kind, but firm. If she is really your "best" friend, then you two will be able to converse about it just as the other posters have suggested.
I think that J's response is a good one.
Rick
Let's face it, Jason - she can't understand why you are gay, and what that means to your friendship, and this is how she shows it.
Could you tell her in writing. Just like you did us. I find I can express my self clearer in writing than speech.
i haven't even caught up with all your posts yet! yikes!
personally, i usually just lay it out straight to my friend. i get them out and talk it out. and usually it works to an extend. if i'm too scared to talk, i write. :P it usually work for a while, then goes back again.
I find no fault with any of the suggestions, as any of those suggested approaches might work. It all depends on how SHE receives what you communicate to her.
Bottom line - all of us decide how we will receive and understand and deal with the things we hear and read, that speak directly to our behaviours.
If your friend has issues with you and your orientation/identity, then she will always create interactions that place you in subordination to her......meaning that she will want to come out on top as the superior/aggressor. This really won't change until SHE decides to change it ----- and perhaps if you address these things with her, telling her how you feel when she says stuff, that may have a more profound impact upon her. If she truly feels friendship for you, then she will not want to cause hurt or upset. If she is made to understand that her verbalization upsets you, and she does not change her style - it's time to dissolve that "friendship".
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